Living out loud

This week I had one weak and mild breakthrough in my daily routine that allowed me new perspectives in dealing with my daemons. One sentence and I have managed to say nothing concrete and reveal that I have daemons. At this point I ought to check out all my cupboards, shelves and storage bins for said daemons because I just do not believe in that sort of thing. I could ask myself about what it is that I believe in, and indeed that would be a good question. Our believes are our driving engines, or so I believe.

It is saturday morning and in “the next” I am passing review on the last week of June that ended yesterday. What worries me at this point is that my pending list of items only got longer, not shorter. Last night after the Friday evening Aikido training I was simply exhausted, we were only three people including the Sensei. That means that the other two are both quite advanced and we really trained hard and with much attention to detail. At one point towards the end of the 90 minutes I got totally out of breath. After this rather exhausting and pleasant training I decided to skip my regular Friday evening beer drinking session with the boys – my Physics colleagues – near the University, and head home to enjoy the evening in the garden. After all that has happened since I returned from Quarteira, I had an absolute need to be by myself and alone.

I had a marvelous day on Wednesday that went from 8 in the morning until midnight non-stop. Besides attending the regularly scheduled Aikido training in the morning, organized tickets for my trip to Italy next week, attended an excellent retirement lecture at the Botanical Gardens on Paleoecology, met with a friend for lunch, and with two others with whom I pursue independent but not disjointed conversations in the course of my life. These two are my therapist and a friend with whom I share an ideal relationship spanning many years. Yes, an ideal relationship. Why would I write/blog about something as odd and controversial as an ideal relationship?

Damn good question, and I am quite certain that it is a good idea to write about this ideal relationship of ours. What makes this relationship ideal is the fact, and it is an undeniable fact, that we both feel that there is nothing that we can not share with each other and at the same time there is no obligation or expectation of sharing anything at all. It is a relationship free of restrain and constraint, and defined by freedom. Freedom again, in the context of my life, has all to do with loyalty and integrity to name a few of the characteristics of this mode of interaction. It is not like we have not had our moments of uncomfortable communication and facing the rough edges of our egos, but whatever the situation was we always have had the courage and courtesy to remain honest with ourselves in the presence of the other. At least one of his past girl-friends had some difficulty dealing with the nature of this relationship of ours, and on my side I do on occasions get rather puzzled questions as to the nature of this relationship. I would say that it is a complete relationship in which its character can accommodate any change in our lives and permits evolution in the roles that we assume.

Slowly it is starting to dawn on me that I have spent much too much time – cleary this is my own very subjective assessment – looking for what is missing in my life and being oblivious to that which is already present and that which is achieved and complete.

Between the last paragraph and this one, a few hours have elapsed. I have done four loads of laundry and hung them out to dry on the sun, gone shopping, drank coffee with Jenny, marinated chicken in teriyaki sauce, made potato salad, grilled the chicken. Then had dinner with my colleague and friend Harald in the garden after England lost to Portugal and the World Cup advanced as programmed.

Still, my Wednesday was quite eventful. It was a rich, rich day. I had also a meeting which I presided and which was very satisfying in view of the fact that this is one task that I am about to pass on to somebody else: the presidency of the local section of my party, the radicals. The only problem with this party is that it is anything but radical. Sometimes I do wonder if it would not be altogether better to start a new party that addresses current issues at a totally different level. Up to now I have always thought that change and evolution was possible within an old structure. After the meeting on Wednesday, I have my doubts. There is a lot of criticism about the way that I am conducting the section, but strangely enough I am getting third hand information, and of course, nobody is naming names. Some are being vociferous about the party needing change coming from above, and I listen to myself talking to my buttons and saying that change has to come from the grassroots and that this party has long ago lost touch with its members and potential members, and has now evolved – in a negative evolution – to an elite lobby representing the interest of very few. Yes, the party lacks leadership, but command and control is not leadership and at present elected members can not tell the difference. I am at the point where I do not see the effectiveness of my work within the present structure, and it is thus time to throw in the towel.

It is past midnight and I need a good night sleep.

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