Notes to Self: Freedom and Flow

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I am dearly tired. I am exhausted, and to the point that I may just have forgotten for a short while whom I think that I might be.

This post is being was edited several times. I have not yet figured out a smart way of getting my posts in when I also post an image. Come to think of it, I am even too tired to think as to what the real technical issue would be right now. Why was it that I wanted to write this post from within another editor, or not from the blog application within 23? Since FF has a on browser spellchecker that catches my typos, I really do not necessarily need to go through the editor. Oh! Puting links without writing the html tags directly does not work, and technorati labels are missing, and a few comforts of the lazy geek.

It is like this, I am hungry. I warmed up some soup, and then my cousin in London, the one with whom I stayed (roomed) a month ago called, and I then spent a whole hour on skype with her inspite of the fact that we had just talked last night (briefly). Now the soup is cold, and I am starving, besides being exhausted. I got up early and I did not sleep very long, that is, ca. four hours. Sometimes I need to drive myself to the edge in order to overcome my own blockades. Sleep deprivation is one of the ways that I drive myself to the edge. Have you ever experimented with it? I have. It is fascinating to discover what resources and what clarity one can access if one turns off the censoring and mind-fucking mechanisms by just not sleeping. Do you have conscientious control of your sleep? It is one of my areas of exploration. How good is your sense of time?

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I am not addressing anybody in particular, I am thinking out loud about what has been happening in the past few weeks. A lot has been happening, a lot that I have worked hard to make it happen.
Do you know what flow is? Flow, according to Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, is that state or process of achieving happiness through control over one’s inner life. It does sound daunting, doesn’t it?

On Friday I had a long conversation with my friend Michael with whom I worked at JMW. A few years after I left, he later joined JMJ and is still in contact with them. I have gone on to other areas of endeavor, however working with the methodology learned and used at JMW has impacted my life significantly. In the course of our relationship over the last fifteen years we keep on discussing work. I, for my part, seem unable to separate the work from me, and our discussions can be intense and animated. Michael is an anchor in my life, and whenever I get myself into a tight bind, he is one of my dearest and closest friends whom I trust. We also share information, and sometimes I discover fascinating aspects of communication itself by observing our interactions, however that is a totally different issue that I may be returning to again and again.

Last Friday Michael told me about “Success Built to Last” and as he was telling me about the seduction of competency described in that book, it was as though he was telling me the story of my career as a physicist. It is difficult for me to write this, I do love Physics, I did however have my issues with making a career out of my love for physics, there was always something missing. Some of what Michael related to me about the book also sounded a lot like what I have read about flow, and experienced to be flow. Now I am curious about the book. Somehow this is all heading towards creativity, and that is not where I wanted to go when I started to write this post. Creativity is very present in my mind, for there is a workshop coming up on it in early February, and workshops on creativity is somehow nothing that i intend of copying from one time to the next.

I also had an amusing, if not awkward, skype conversation with a friend in Strasbourg yesterday. I have invited him to spend a couple of days with me here in Berne between Christmas and New Year. At one point my microphone on the iSight camera went out and we were having this hilarious exchange where he was talking and I was writing, or he was trying to read my lips over the video. It is always good to talk to him, we are always very careful as to how we approach each other. Friendship sometimes hits me more as a decision to start with, followed by a commitment to a long process over time where the sole goal is to exercise the ability to share life and be present to the moment.

I cherish my solitude, just like I do the time with friends and family. I need to be with people and I need to be alone even more, and sometimes I want neither. It is tough to distinguish between needs and wants, at least for me, this is not always clear. So, in writing this I am carefully considering what it is that I want to say, and what is it that I mean.

Between Christmas and New Year I do expect life to be quiet around here. Although yesterday after talking to my cousins, one in Portugal and another in London, I had this idea of finding a cheap flight down to Faro on the 26th. For a while there I forgot that I told myself upon my return from London last month that I am staying put right here for the next three months. Putting it bluntly, I need to buckle down and finish the editing of the one novel that I have been editing drop wise. If my friend from Strasbourg comes for a visit, that would dlight me, the invintation is from my heart, and I very much like his company.

I have often wondered why it is that I work so well with deadlines. I think that I am starting to crack this one. I have an absolute need to stay true to myself, however it is the ever impending finiteness of a deadline that makes it very clear and immediate how much passion and desire I do have driving me to reach the goal.

Tired, and still very hungry. No, I do not know it all, but how very boring it would be if I did!