cell, originally uploaded by TommyOshima.

I need your dreams
I need

I need my dreams
I need

Verbosity flow below the fold…

I love summer rain, and today it has rained here aplenty! The day has not quite turned out how I had it in my little mind that it should be. I feel an all-night coming my way so that I may drill my stubborn intellect through some of the dread that I have been dreading.

There have been three highlights to the day. To start with, the rain, then I actually made some progress with the writing of Theoretical Man, and third it was meeting Sabina at Starbucks in the middle of the afternoon. It is always good to see Sabina. She has just been to the Documenta, so we chatted very briefly about that.

Somehow the words network and politics are on my mind. I met Sabina through political work many years ago, and through that joint work we became good friends. Today we returned to a bit of discussion about politics and my reasons for getting actively involved. Again, I got to hear about how good it will be for my network. I frown each time that I hear those words, my network. And then I start thinking about it and wonder what is cause and what is effect.

I have on a few occasions been told that I am good at networking. Frankly this would be the last thing that I would think of in describing myself. I suck at small talk, have a great talent to make people shut up, and further more I do enjoy my solitude. The social butterfly, I am not. I am not fed up of talking at conferences, I love the public interaction and what happens when people have public authentic public conversations. Sometimes I attend conferences or meetings and do keep my mouth shut, and am close to invisible, and I like that too. Being on stage is an acquired taste, a bit like jogging or drinking tea. I do it for what the long term effects of the activity, and with time I have learned to enjoy the activity itself.

I have read the four bold lines above, those below the cell, and I know them to be personal, intimate and dedicated to another, and yet when I read them what I hear is how so perfectly egocentric they sound. I read an email that I wrote late last night to a friend, and I did wonder what makes me write so damned self-referentially.

Yikes! I do or do not like this a bit. Right now I feel that I am in the middle of a massive phase transition, and it is uncomfortable. The process is far too beyond the reversible stage, change is happening. I am trying to come to terms with this and all I come up with is that last week I have realized that the world has been trying to give me yet another message and that I have not been listening. Last week I listened, and I made a whole bunch of people right. They were right, all of them, and I like none of them, but right they were! To use Remo’s words from last week everybody else knows that about you, except you does sum it up. What is it that they know, and that it has taken me so long to figure out?

To me, it boils down to cultivating a sense of self-esteem and self-worth. It is not my faculties or abilities that I question, it is my rights to use them that I do question. I have questioned my right to just express that that is my own, and I have questioned that often, very often.

In that questioning of my own right to life itself, I often asymmetrically mirror it onto others. They – the others – have a right which I do not question, I question my own right to self-espression. I see you having dreams, and I recognize those shared dreams, you express them, you give them form, and you make them reality, and I am happy that it is so. All you have, you have given yourself permission to have. I do not question your rights, why do I question mine? I may be a lot of things, but egocentric is not one of them.

The part with the network and the politics I have not really figured out. But I know it has something to do with self-expression. Now back to writing, or sleep or the drudgery….