In a personal letter to a friend last Sunday, I expressed some of my thoughts on happiness. I am still thinking about this that we call happiness.
Given that this has been a week when I have found myself feeling rather raw and vulnerable, when I read this again… it all seems again very present. The following quote is an edited version of my letter.
there you are making yourself happy in a way that i can not really imagine will make you happy in the long run. i feel more like you are digging a deeper and deeper hole and constraining yourself more and more while you somehow live in the illusion of freedom.
you go and figure it out by yourself, i have my own crap to deal with. i do not see that you can either help me with time or anything else. i do however wonder to whom you will go to when you need help. i wonder what it is that i will be able to do if you need help ever.
i am very grateful for all that you have given me and shared with me, above all i treasure our good and frank conversations about just about anything even when it is clear that we do not agree.
in my not so humble opinion, i do think that the pursuit of happiness is a waste of time and money. happiness is not material anyhow, much less does it have anything to do with whom one is sleeping, dating, or having dinner with. if it exists at all, it has something to do with the ability to be with one’s own limitations and constraints. it is within oneself that one can find that thing that people call happiness and which i can never relate to, i call it bliss and peace.
i may be head over hills and perhaps hopelessly in love, but it is not he who is making me happy. he shows me and sees parts of me that few people see, and he can deal with it and be at ease. he does make it easier for me to just be myself. there is nothing he is holding on to, and above all, he is not holding on to me. it is that simple. i think that you do not see what he sees, and above all the simplicity of it would baffle you. you are into thrills and adventure, and while there is nothing wrong with that, it is a totally different path. i do not know where that path of yours leads, nor am i interested in finding out. life is for me not in the pursuit of thrills and frills, it is much more about accepting what is present. by far, this is nothing too easy to do, at least if you are not used to it, it requires much practice, and one often fails. it is however damn easy to write.
i do not think that my words will make a difference, it also may be that you will never understand.
do think of yourself first, and do think of what it is that you are doing to yourself.
Uhm… I do wonder who writes, when I write. I do wonder what it is that words do effect.